marriage/monogamysex

Are You Low Libido Or… Just Selfish? A Quiz!

Many low libido partners confuse having  physiologically low levels of desire for sexual and physical touch with plain old being selfish.  If you’re curious or even angered by this remark, take my quiz below!  

 

  1. Your partner’s love language is physical touch but yours is [insert another one here].  How frequently does your partner do your love language (e.g., for words of affirmation, how often do they say anything nice to you?).  How frequently do you have sex?  Put the weekly ratio of these in this format: how many times you have sex per week/how many times per week your spouse does your love language.  Example for acts of service: spouse gets up to get you a snack every night and you have sex every other week.  You would get .5/7= .07.
  2. While you may not always be in the mood for sexual contact, since your spouse’s love language is physical touch you give them massages, stroke their hair, hug and kiss them unprompted at least for a combined total of 1 hour per week.  Add 5 points if true.
  3. You have thought deeply about ways your spouse could do different things in bed that might be more exciting to you: Add 5 points.
  4. You have read books about rekindling the spark or sex within relationships with the purpose of making your sex life better, without your spouse begging you to do so: one point per book
  5. You have consulted a therapist to figure out why you find it difficult to have sex with a spouse that you feel committed to and love. One point per session that focuses on this issue.
  6. You have consulted a medical doctor about low libido and discussed options. Two points
  7. You expect your spouse to say I love you in words even if you don’t say I love you with touch, and when confronted with this say something indicating that physical touch is not as important of a love language as verbal expressions of love.  Subtract 1 point per time that you convey this.
  8. You have actually now that you think of it not given your spouse a massage lasting more than 5-10 minutes this year.  Subtract 5 points.  If your spouse regularly does this for you without expecting sex, subtract another 5 points.
  9. You blackmail your spouse with “if I felt closer than maybe we would have sex” but you have not given your spouse any tangible concrete measures of how this may be accomplished. Subtract one point per remembered episode of this type of crazymaking.
  10. You are open to discussing every single idea that could improve your sex life when your spouse brings them up. Add one point per idea that you have had open discussion about.  If you stonewall on this issue subtract one point per stonewall.

Tally it up and see which category you fall in:

Negative points: this is more of a “you don’t do what you don’t want to do” issue than a libido issue.

Zero points: Still pretty self-centered, tbh.

5-10 points: You are trying here.  Couples counseling could really help you guys figure out how to come together on this issue even more.  

10 points and higher: If you’re trying this hard and still getting nowhere then there may be deeper issues at play.  If my experience with couples is any indicator, you are either deeply unhappy with your spouse on multiple levels but scared to admit it, having an emotional affair, or have unresolved childhood trauma.  All of these could benefit from individual therapy even prior to couples work.

There you have it folks!  As I tell people in couples counseling, for someone (especially a woman) in a multi-year monogamous relationship with kids, stress, jobs, etc to not have a high libido is not exactly headline-making news.  The issue is whether you attempt to get yourself in the mood to be a good partner, or not.  If it’s consistently “not,” then you have some work to do introspecting about whether you can tend to be selfish in this regard and likely others as well. 

Note that depression is one thing that makes people very unintentionally selfish, definitionally because you cannot see outside the deep pain that you are carrying around internally every day.  If you think that your depression is causing you to focus inward in this way, therapy and meds and other things may help and you deserve to feel better.  And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Sometimes People Need A Wake Up Call To Realize They May Not Be As Generous As They Think!

For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person.

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1 Comment

  1. September 9, 2022 at 3:00 pm — Reply

    I really want to send this to my wife, but I also don’t want to be murdered in my sleep. If she were honest about it, she would be deep in the negative numbers and that’s only on the observable ones I can count without knowing what’s going on in her thoughts.

    iliasm.org

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